Saturday, December 31, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR !


I was enjoying my New Years Eve morning sleep-in. I woke up a few times to take care of old man problems as per usual, knowing I can hit the sack again with that blissful feeling of sliding back into unconscioness. At 6:20 AM the phone rings, the landline. The phone that I have for one reason, the company I work for requires me to have it in order to upload and download my route.  There is only 2 people that call us on this line, my mother-in-law and my wife’s best friend who is also the grandmother of the little guy we used to baby-sit for who is like another grandson to me and Jojo.
When you get a call this early, you know it’s going to be something you don’t want to hear. I picked up the phone and it was my wife’s best friend.
Her mother had past away early this morning. Terrible way to end the year and begin the new year having to bury your mother.
We had offered baby-sitting services for both our little guys for the night; my grandson will be at a party with his parents and friends who are bringing their babies.
We will be watching or adopted grandson though, we just didn’t feel like doing the party thing. I’m making a lasagna and told baby sis Rita and her old man to come over and ring in the New Year. 
I went to the store to pick up a few things; the place was packed with potential partygoers. I fought my way through the crowd and decided I could use a change of luck and got a Mega lotto ticket. Winning that wouldn’t solve all my problems but it wouldn’t hurt either.
Started the sauce for the lasagna and took a shower. Digging through my old socks and underwear I thought why not put on the new stuff I got for Christmas?
Fascinating post eh?
So there you have it, my exciting way to bring in the New Year, a belly full of lasagna, Crown and Cokes, pumpkin pie and wearing new socks and underwear with a winning lotto ticket.
How can I go wrong?
Hope you have a great and safe time tonight and have a happy New Year !

Friday, December 30, 2011

TO CATCH A PROPHET

Decoy: Hi come in, I just made some frozen lemonade.
Predator: Ok, I had a long ride.
Decoy: Sit down, I'm gonna change and get in the hot tub.
Predator: Ok, cool!
Chris Hansen: Are you enjoying that lemonade?
Predator: Gulp, cough cough, uhhhh yes very good.
Chris: Why don’t you have a seat right over there, what's going on tonight?
Predator: oh you know, just came over to hang out with A'isha.
Chris: and how old is the girl you came all this way to see?
Predator: uhhh errrr 6 I think.
Chris: 6? And you are how old? 50?
Predator: well, I was just uh, you know riding around and A'isha asked me to stop by just to hang out.
Chris: just hang out, you didn't come for sex?
Predator: oh goodness no, I just wanted to warn her about chatting on line, you can't be too careful these days.
Chris: well I just happen to have a copy of your chat log here and it doesn't sound like you came here just to hang out, Mohammed Hot 4 U 72, that's your screen name isn't it?
Lets see, you say "you're so sexy, can I bleep you all over and bleep bleep your bleep? Would you bleep my bleep bleep and let me bleep you in your bleep?"
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: who are you? are you a cop?
Chris: we'll get to that in a minute, you said all this to a 6 year old? And how long of a ride was it up here?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: 4 hours by camel.
Chris: 4 hours by camel just to hang out with a 6 year old?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: I was just going to ask her to become one of my wives.
Chris: have you ever done this kind of thing before?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: oh no, this was first time I ever did any such thing.
Chris: you want to try again? Didn't you marry a 6 year old about 1400 years ago?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: you don't understand, I am a great prophet, I invented one of the largest religions in the world!
Chris: and in this religion, it's ok to have sex with a child of 6?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: you got me all wrong, I was just going to marry her, but I was not going to have sex with her until she turns 9, what do you think I am a perv?
Chris: yeah I kinda do.
Chris: what’s in the bag?
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: uhm, Taco Bell, a Gordita for A’isha, she wanted something to eat.
Chris: what’s in the other bag? Looks like some Mike’s Hard Lemonade, did you bring any condoms?

Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: yeah, I have some in my camel, but I always bring some when I travel .

Chris: well there's one more thing I need to tell you, I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC and we're doing a story about on line predators trying to meet children for sex, now if there's anything else you want to tell me, we would love to hear it. If not you’re free to go.
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: am I going to be arrested?
Chris: that's not up to me.
Mohammed Hot 4 U 72: oh holy crap.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

CHRISTMAS AT THE CASINO

An odd place to spend Christmas morning. Having retrieved my sons car that broke down at the Christmas party last night, we still managed to sneak in the 15 minute drive to Indiana Live casino with mom. We have the kids coming over later for another Christmas get together. This is the one where me and Jojo will actually be at the same place. Christmas with a blended family can get complicated. Monday we will have our last one, that is a get together with friends of Jojo who are like family and our little buddy Gavin will be there.
The plan for today was, I was going to make a lasagna for Christmas dinner, but with all the complications with the dead car retrieval, I think we're going to scratch that idea and go with leftover pizza. Tomorrow I'm making a double batch of chili for the party then I'm done!
I still have much logistical crap to work out with the busted car, make that cars. Him and his live-in both have car issues, that leaves them with none, check that. That leaves me down one car because I had to loan him mine.
Tomorrow I will see what I can do to get at least one car going, it just needs a battery, the other needs an alternator.
I was a little bummed that things didn't turn out exactly as planned this Christmas then I started thinking about families that are dealing with tragedies like the people that lost 5 members of their family due to a fire Christmas morning.
Things like that tend to make me feel like a jerk for sweating the small stuff.

Lost my limit in the slots, was going to have a drink at the bar area but it's closed down for the holiday, rats!
Oh well, guess I'll survive

Saturday, December 24, 2011

LAYAWAY ANGELS AND TENNIS SHOE RIOTERS


The best and the worst among us make up these two Christmas stories this year. First of all, I don’t understand how anyone pays 180 bucks for a pair of stupid shoes. Then tell me how do you stomp on each other in order to gain a position or two to get in the store to buy these over-priced shoes. I saw video of little kids being pushed to the floor and trampled with no one even trying to help. That might have slowed down their progress to the ultimate in footwear.
The last time these Air-Jordans were released, kids were shot down like dogs and their shoes stolen off their feet.

The flipside, the Layaway Angels. There are no videos of the actual people paying off the layaways of complete strangers in need. They are doing the right thing for the right reason and they have no desire for media attention.
That’s the story I want to wash my brain out with this Christmas Eve.

There will always be the greedy self-serving Grinch crowd and it’s not likely there hearts will grow anytime soon.
Thank God we still have many good people on this Earth to counter balance these fools.

I’m sitting here with my grandson Trenton, he got to stay all night with papaw and mamaw last night. We decided to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas this morning.
Even an old grandpa like me gets a nice feeling watching this show.
I just wanted to take a few minutes this morning and wish you all a very Merry Christmas and if the stories of tennis shoe riots and such bring you down, balance it out with a healthy dose of A Charlie Brown Christmas, or It’s a Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story.

God bless you all and have a very merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

YOU GOT YOUR SHIRT ON INSIDE OUT

Had to make a trip to downtown Indy today, Jojo had to go to the police station to apply for her lifetime handgun permit. She had told me that she wanted me to take her to Palatino's for lunch. It's kind of an overpriced fancy place that won't sell you a damned hamburger. With that in mind I wore a nice shirt. Halfway though lunch Jojo gives me that look and says "you got your shirt on inside out". I look down at me, sure enough the pocket was missing as was the buttons on the button up collar. There were seams visible on each arm running from the cuffs to the shoulders. I sheepishly put my jacket back on leaving only the outline of the invisible pocket and missing buttons showing.  
I want to know why I was allowed to walk out of the house in this condition? Jojo has been my fashion consultant for many 
years now. How could she have committed such an oversight? She took on the job of telling me that shit doesn't match, of her own volition. How can I trust her to stop me from leaving the house with my underwear on my head now? 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

BOO !

You know my jobs does have its drawbacks, but it also has its perks too. One of the perks, not having to sit in one place all day. Driving around all day sometimes means you can stop by the house to take a break. Today my house was between my first and second call so I figured I would take my first break there and see if Jojo was up and working in the home office.
She's really got a great set up there.
I pull in the driveway, it's a gloomy foggy morning and I can see the office brightly light as I drive by the window.
She is facing the window, but she is looking down at some reports, perfect! I walk up to the window, turn my cap around and put my face up to the window and tap slightly.
She looks up and I get just the reaction I'm hoping for. A sustained loud scream complete with hands up by the face shaking madly like some woman over-acting in an old horror movie.
This woman is not acting, I got her good. I know there will be hell to pay for this little stunt as I walk into the house laughing and kicking myself for not taking video of the event.
Now before you think me a bad person or immature, you must understand this is how the game is played.
Whenever I walk through a door in my house I never know when she will be lurking in a dark corner waiting to jump out and try to give me a heart attack, matter of fact it was she that started this quirky tradition almost 10 years ago on our second date. What pisses her off is I'm much better at this game then she is. I can do a payback scare in a matter of just a few minutes. A couple of weeks ago late one night I walked through the garage door into the breezeway and she was crouched behind the door and launched at me.
She got me but it wasn't an epic scare.
Five minutes later as she is still delighting in her little stunt, she walks to the back end of the house for a few minutes, I see my chance for payback!
I slipped down the dark hallway and open the door to the guest bedroom. I closed the door all but just a crack, just enough to peer one eye down the hall. I stand there in the bedroom that you rarely expect a person to walk out of, a perfect scenario. 
A few minutes later she walks out of our bedroom and down the hall. I wait, timing is everything, these things must be done delicately. She gets to the door of my chamber of horrors and I open the door swiftly and stepped out of the darkness right in front of her. No need for me to scream, that would be overkill and unnecessary. Her reaction was worth the price of admission.
Now that Jojo is packing heat I will have to be a little more careful with my timing. She will have a good excuse if she ever decides to whack me.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

THE ART OF THE DEAL


Saturday mornings mission: get to the store and spend too much money on dry goods and victuals or "vittles" as Granny used to call them on the show.
I really don't mind doing most of the shopping, I do most of the cooking so the two kind of go together. I have my own little ritual as far as the shopping list goes. If I need more than 3 things I better write it down. Writes a misnomer, I actually do a memo on my IPhone.
Plan was on Sunday I'm making a birthday dinner for my son. So that was the main focus of the shopping. I asked Jojo if there was anything she needed or we needed for the homestead and she couldn't think of anything so with my IPhone list complete I headed out.
I took her car, a 10 year old Lexus but still fun to drive and my Jimmy is not running too great. I look at the gas gauge and of course she's out of gas again. She has some newfound aversion to gas stations. She just goes from one vehicle to another depending on which one has gas in it. Thankfully she is getting a company car by the end of the month so she will has to take care of her own fill-ups.

Phone rings halfway to Meijers, you know who decided there were indeed things she needed at the store, she was going to COOK ! The count got up to 5 and I'm thinking I need to get the IPhone out and update my shopping list, I know it's illegal to drive and text but they didn't say anything about updating shopping lists. That's a little too unsafe so I try the mnemonic system. Let's see, she wants cream cheese, sour cream, cream of chicken, tortilla's and trash bags. Uhhhhhh........ I got nothin.
By the time I got to Meijers I could only remember 4 out of the 5 things.
Shopping done, headed home, got lots to do today, our plans were to get our nasty house cleaned up and go gun shopping for Jojo's Christmas present. As soon as I walk in the door she is standing there her lips puckered out and looking really cute. "Can I ask you a big favor?"
Oh shit, I know what this is about. "What?", I say in that tone. "Will you go to CVS and get me something?" I know what she wants, I know what she needs. Her damn Misty Menthol coffin nails.
Never mind how aggravated I was about her timing. I could tell by the look in her eyes, she had gone too long without a fix. She was jonesing for a smoke, so I did what every husband does, I played my hand. I rubbed my hands together and said to myself in my best guttural evil villain voice, "heh heh heh heh excellent!"



Let the negotiations begin, I parlayed my advantage just as any old pervert would.
Later we made the drive to Plainfield and got Jojo's Christmas present.



Hmmm maybe I shouldn't show her how to load it till tomorrow morning. Heh heh heh heh.

Friday, December 16, 2011

IT WASN'T MY FAULT !

You can be too careful part #2


I wasn't with him when it happened. It doesn't count unless I'm in the truck with him.
We were light on calls Thursday and Friday so they had me and brother tech Mike ride together. I drove yesterday without incident and Mike drove today. The day went fine, I even scored some free Pacer's tix for the game tonight night. We were working on a customer’s fridge and she was the mother of a Pacemate. She called her daughter and had her leave me and Jojo tix. When we got to the game we found Tamara with other Pacemates signing pictures. I thank her for the tix and got a picture of my mug tween her and another Pacemate.


So you see my day was fine!
It was tragedy free.
However while getting ready for the game I got a call from  Mike. Seems his day didn't end so well. After he dropped me off and was heading for home some guy ran his car into Mikes service van. Seems Mike was being extra cautious in a heavy traffic area where cars do a squeeze play vying for one lane. He was hanging back from the car ahead of him and someone trying to shoot the gap sideswiped him.
He was starting his vacation today and had hoped to finish early. The crap you have to go through when you wreck a company vehicle is worse than the wreck.
He was still dealing with it by the time I got to the game.
So I'm at a free game surrounded by Pacemates and Mikey is on the side of road filing accident reports.
Rita texted me while I was watching the game and accused me of leaving that target that was on my back in Mike's van.
I will neither confirm nor deny that report, I will only say,
Sorry bro ! Sorry about your luck.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

YOU CAN BE TOO CAREFUL !

I was preparing to turn in my customer’s driveway. A blue car was cresting the hill coming in the opposite direction. I stopped and waited for the car to pass then I pulled into the driveway. Then I heard what sounded like an explosion.
The first thing I thought was "damn my mini drawer must have fallen out and dumped in the back of the truck again. Then I thought no that sounds much more violent.
There had been some linemen trucks parked on the side of the road just before and just after the customers drive and a bunch of the linemen were standing between their trucks and the road. I wondered if maybe something had happened to one of the trucks.
I looked to my left side and saw this.

WTF?  How did that happen?? Did I cause this??
I couldn't figure out how a head on collision involving three vehicles happened right next to me and I missed the whole thing.
I got out of the truck and along with the lineman went to assist. I looked between the trucks and the wreck to see if there were any dead lineman lying on the ground.
They had just been standing right there between the trucks and the wreck.
Thank God they had been able avoid getting smashed in the space between all the vehicles. 

 I started getting that feeling again, the same feeling I had when me and Jojo almost got killed on that bridge in Kentucky last year . Kind of an itchy uncomfortable feeling that feels like its coming from the inside of your body.
The first time I remember having that feeling was when my daughter was maybe 2 or 3 and almost drowned in a friend’s pool.
It’s a feeling I get when fate and chance nearly intersect and I  avoid something tragic by the narrowest of margins.

There was plenty of help on hand and doors were opened but victims where wisely left in place.
Then came the fire trucks, ambulances and cops, I milled around talking to witnesses trying to piece together what had happened.

Talking to a man who was following his wife in another vehicle I was told his wife had stopped behind me as I waited for the blue car to pass. A pickup truck behind her was going too fast on the wet road and swerved into the opposite lane hitting the back of the  wife’s vehicle in the process, then he hit the blue car head on that had just gone by me.


I kind of wandered around waiting to see if the cops wanted a statement from me. I just kept thinking about the last time my service van and me were this close to first responders, a year and a half ago when my wreck happened. Then I was wondering if my neck was broken.
It was only my third day back to work when that happened having been off for 6 months from knee surgery.
After that wreck and 4 operations and months of rehab I have been back on the road since last July 25th.
I have slowed down a lot since all that happened, I'm the new and improved more safety minded CnC.
I have been extra careful when it comes to what expect from other drivers on road and try to anticipate other people’s bad decisions as well as my own.
I have grandkids to spoil and a wife to aggravate. I know I have to be more careful these days and that is why I caused this accident today.
After today’s wreck the ifs began, I was trying to reconstruct the events that lead up to what could have been a tragic day for the linemen, the people in the wrecked vehicles and me
The first time I approached the customers driveway the mailbox was not visible because of the two big trucks parked on the side of the road on either side of the drive. By the time I could see the address I was too close to make what the new improved and safer CnC considered a safe maneuver to get in the drive. So I continued about down the road found a place to turn around and headed back to the call.
A couple of blocks down the road I again approached the driveway that was sandwiched between the two big trucks and the linemen milling around. My approach was nice and slow and safe, then I looked up the road and saw a blue car was coming the opposite direction. I again had to make another choice.
I could have done a little less braking and turn into the drive without stopping and made the turn in front of the approaching car. I would have had time but it might look to observers that I had been just a little too impatient. So I made the
safe decision that the new and improved more careful CnC makes these days.
I came to a safe stop and waited for the blue car to pass.
The truck behind me came to a safe stop.
Apparently the truck behind that truck didn't get the memo about the new and improved safety minded CnC and was going way too fast to stop on the wet road in time. He had 3 options, none of them good. He could have veered off the road and took the ditch. The ditch was about 8 feet deep with steep banks and lots of trees. I think he probably ruled out option number: 1 right away. Option number: 2 was to continue braking and slam into the truck that was stopped right behind me. That would have been the best option or the least bad. There were 3 or 4 people in his truck so he had a lot to consider.
He took option number: 3 the worst option, he swerved around the trunk in front of him and clipped the back of it. Then he was in the opposing lane heading right for the guys standing by their trucks and the blue car that I was waiting on.

As I started my turn that's when head on collision took place gathering the other pickup in the wreck hitting it for the second time.
They took 4 people away in ambulances but I don't believe any of them were critical, it looked like seat-belts and airbags ruled the day
I spent about 30 minutes walking around the carnage and decided my services were needed elsewhere so I drove up the driveway and got back to business. Luckily it was a non-thinking repair as I spent the next several minutes contemplating what had just happened and what my part was in it.
It's strange when you reconstruct an accident and think about all the little tiny things that have to happen in just the right way at just the right time, unconnected little inconsequential things that happen in a string of events that end in a very bad result.
The irony of this whole thing was the two decisions that I made, at the time seemed to be the safest choices.

They say you can't be too careful.
Uhhhh yeah you can, twice !

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

DEAD MAN WALKING

Susan Sarandon where are you?
There are two dead men walking, in Connecticut that need your help. I know you are an expert on this subject because you played that nun in the movie about how terrible the death penalty is.
I know you and your Hollywood cronies failed to stop the execution of Troy Davis the guy who murdered that cop 20 years ago, but you guys sure did your best to save that poor soul.
The guys in Connecticut were just condemned to death, so you have at least 20 years to save them.
Ok here are the facts of the case; Steven Hayes and Joshua Komisarjevsky had been recently paroled from prison, so no doubt they were still suffering from the stress of prison life. They did a home invasion late one night and beat the man of the house in the head with a baseball bat and tied him up in the basement. They forced the mother to take them to the bank and take money out the next morning. Then these foolish guys tied the mother and the two young daughters to their beds. While Hayes raped and strangled the mother, Komisarjevsky raped the little 9 year old girl. Then they doused all three with gas and burned them all. The little girls were alive and tied to their beds at the time.
Susan I know it sounds bad but they both had good excuses. Hayes said that Komisarjevsky was the one who escalated the events and Komisarjevsky said that he had been abused as a child. They both blamed the father for not fighting harder to protect his family.
So that's it Susan, I am confident you and your Hollywood one percenter's will have no problem sympathizing with these two poor misguided creature's.

I know some feel that they should have to share the same fate as their victims. Tied naked face down in a supermax prison and tell population that it's amnesty day for sodomites. Then give the convicted arsonists some gas and tell them they get a free pass too.
Before the match is lit, someone needs to tell them they should have fought harder to keep themselves from being raped and burned alive.
Oh yeah, have a couple convicts who are former major league baseball players who lied to grand juries about using steroids, standing by with baseball bats and try to beat the flames out.
Right Susan, I can't believe some people actually feel that way.

Godspeed Sister Susan !

Monday, December 12, 2011

ATLAS SHRUGGED BLU-RAY

Finally got to see Atlas Shrugged Part 1, I found the blu-ray this weekend. I have been trying to see this movie since it came out. There was only one theater in the area showing the movie and it was way up on the north side of Indy. I have to drive up there enough for work so I was waiting for it to play somewhere closer. That proved to be a long wait, predictably, all the left-winged critics, (all critics) trashed the movie and it was here and gone before I knew it. So I bought the book and I’m glad I read it before I watched the movie.
The book was as long as a Stephen King novel. As I read it I kept checking the date it was first published, 50 years ago and it could have been written today. From everything I’ve been reading lately, it doesn’t sound like they are going to make Part 2 & 3. That’s a shame, I enjoyed the movie and it seem to be very faithful the book.
The trick to enjoying most movies it the ability to suspend belief. There was one part of the movie I found this impossible to do. That concerns a scene where the government is exerting more and more control over private businesses and they go to the extreme and declare it unlawful for any business to move that business to another state.

I mean that’s where they lost me, even in a movie how can they be so absurd as to say our left-winged government would stoop so low as to tell a private business what state they have to operate in? I mean come on, even a radical leftist like Obama would never try something as despicable as that. Huh? Boeing? South Carolina? Obama crony controlled NLRB?

Yeah of course I’m referring to Obama’s socialist attempt to pay off his union whore’s and stop Boeing from building a new plant in S.C. Not moving a plant mind you, a brand new plant to produce a brand new line of aircraft. I just read an article about NLRB’s decision to drop that effort and Sen. Graham’s call for an investigation of the NLRB’s collusion with the union involved with this case. http://news.yahoo.com/republicans-applaud-nlrb-decision-call-investigation-union-collusion-204141800.html

Obama can’t wreck our free market society by legislation so he is using the governmental agencies that he has corrupted by stacking these agencies with Alinsky clones.
I think there needs to be an investigation all right, but they need to investigate the Whitehouse as well. Obama has his own little criminal organization going and his syndication is growing and getting bolder by the day. His under-boss Attorney General Holder is brazenly crooked and so far has been getting away with murder. Yeah literal murder, i.e. Operation Fast and Furious.
                       
I’m getting lost in the weeds again aren’t I?
I was talking about a movie and a book that seems more and more prophetic each day. If you have read the book you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you haven’t read it, get the book and read it. If you have the book, (RITA !) you need to read it.

I’m trying to come up with something profound to punctuate the end of this post, I...... got nothin.

 I will just ask the question.


                   WHO IS JOHN GALT ?

Friday, December 9, 2011

RECALCULATING




Turn left at the cornfield.

Just ran a call way out west of Indy in GPS no mans land. It's one thing if my work computer gives up and says it doesn’t know where the hell the call is.  What drives me nuts is when it thinks it knows where it's going and takes you 10 miles from where you are supposed to be. Luckily this customer gave me the heads up and warned me not to use the GPS and gave me the directions. Sure enough my nag-a-gator tried to lead me astray.
Seems like in this part of Indiana the GPS does this a lot. Years ago I was running a call out by Poland Indiana, have you ever met a Hoosier Pollock? Anyway, I was following the GPS with full trust until the road turned into a private gravel lane in between two cornfields. I had already figured the GPS was full of shit, just then it told me to turn left, right into the cornfield!  
Of course I didn't take the advice from something that I knew was in error, I decided not to turn in to the cornfield and instead searched the map for the real road.
I have heard several stories of numbskulls doing just that, following blindly the directions given to them from a source that had clearly shown obvious signs of inaccuracies and flawed information.
It's hard to fathom how some go ahead and make that left turn in a cornfield or a ditch knowing there is no clear path in that direction. Had that voice they were trusting ever been wrong before? Of course it had.
Remember when they were in Greece and the voice would say turn left, turn left, recalculating, turn left. Did they find what they were looking for then?
Weren’t they searching for a little place called Utopia? Where did they end up? Driving left into a ditch.
They figured it just needed to recalculate and kept turning left.
Same thing happened in most of Europe, they just kept following that command, turn left, left, left.
Same result, same ditch, same hope for that familiar "recalculating route".
You know, a GPS is nothing more then a task specific computer. A computer is a marvelous machine, but it is only as good as the people that write the programming.
If you have people with flawed thinking, such as, Marx, Lenin, Saul Alinsky, Bill Ayers, the Clinton's and Obama and all the other leftist lawmakers who are the ones doing the programming, how can anyone expect any other result but ending up in the ditch.

How can you see socialism failure after socialism failure and still believe that this is the correct route to Utopia?
It brings this axiom to mind "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results".
I have seen this gem credited to Ben Franklin, Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein.
I don't know who really said it and I don't care, it's genius and I know whoever said it could not have been a damned socialist! 
 I do know who said this, "if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch".
One thing for sure, those two blind guys will have plenty of company down there.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

YOU DO NOT HAVE A ROUTE TODAY

Thank you Jesus!  With the way I feel today, that is good news. I almost called in sick yesterday with a throat so sore it felt like I had been wearing Saddam's last necktie. 
Calling in sick is something I almost never do, calling in wrecked and in the hospital is another matter.
If you hit the sick button on your work laptop those 6 to 10 calls gets dumped on someone else's lap or some get rescheduled and I don't like to be responsible for either. 
I got the text from my tech manager yesterday that I had no calls for today and was told I could work in the shop. 
That was fine by me, I won't have to deal with getting in and out of the cold all day and if I'm feeling too bad in the morning I can just stay home. 
I checked the work laptop this morning just to make sure routing didn't have a surprise for me and saw those welcome words "YOU DO NOT HAVE A ROUTE TODAY" in bright red. 
I felt lousy, but good enough to come into the shop. 
This is Thursday, BNO or boys night out and if I had stayed home from work today and attempted to go to BNO I would have gotten that look. 
Kind of like when you were in school and stayed home sick then later you felt ok and wanted to go out and play. 
That shit just didn't fly. My daughter was good about that, she would be on her death bed, but as soon as the bus went by she would make a miraculous recovery and wanted to play. 
I asked her what she attributed this instant healing to. She told me she had the " comes and the go's". 
Little shit got me laughing with that and I had to give her a pass. 

So looks like I'm going to have a fairly easy day at work and won't have to miss out on the beer and pizza with the boys tonight. 
And maybe if I stay out too late tonight and wake up tomorrow morning
with a bad case of bottle flu ...
I may just have to call in sick. 
If I get a ratio of shit from the powers that be, I'll just have to tell them that I had a bad case of the comes and the go's. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

PEARL HARBOR / 911

Remembering all those who were murdered during those two cowardly attacks.

I'm still pissed!

Monday, December 5, 2011

LIKE A VERMIN

Madonna, really?
My hometown Indy has been through a roller coaster of emotions getting a Superbowl held here. Beginning with the bid to host last season's game that went to Dallas, the strike that threatened this season, Peyton Manning's season ending injury and our 0 and 12 record, our excitement has certainly been muted.
So how can we be further injured?
Yeah, Madonna as the halftime show.
This is going to make last years halftime show, The Black Eyed Peas, seem like a Beatle’s reunion.
There has been talk for months that it was between Madonna and Lady Gaga.  I guess Madonna out skanked her, that took some doing. Now how will Madonna prove her worthiness of being top skank on the block?
Might I suggest she put on a donkey show at halftime? She’s done everything else and it would set the skank bar so high that it would take Lady Gaga, Brittany Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Kim Kardasian days to catch up.
I really don't think Madonna could raise any moral objections, she's done everything else.

Now of course I'm being facetious suggesting Madonna do a donkey show on live television.
I don't thing I could bear the thought of a poor innocent donkey having to go through that.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A GUN !


Words I never expected to hear Jojo say to me. She has always been a little paranoid about my handguns and I would always hear the familiar "why are you taking that thing for?" whenever she saw me tuck my 9mm in.
Then last month she started asking me questions about guns and wanted to know how mine worked.
You can imagine me, as a survivor of 3 marriages how that raised the hair on the back of my neck when I heard that.
Damn! and I thought we were getting along fine!
After she convinced me there were no new life insurance policies taken out on me, I pulled the clip out and showed her the basics of how an automatic handgun works and the proper way to work the slide.


 I laid my gun on the counter and went to another room, about 5 minutes later I hear her yelling her head off. I rushed to the kitchen and found her holding my gun in the air with one hand on the grip and the other hand around the slide.
She was caterwauling because she had a piece of the palm of her hand caught in the slide.
Damn, a friendly fire casualty in my own home without a shot being fired!
As I am trying to figure out what she has stuck  and how best to get my gun back away from her she is still dancing around the kitchen screaming and pointing the gun in the air. The whole scene was reminiscent of an old western movie where you see a bunch of drunken cowboys and drovers hooping and hollering while they shoot up in the sky raising hell in town right before Clint Eastwood comes by and kicks their ass.


Now for the record, I did not teach her to put her hand AROUND the slide! She has a habit of putting her own twist on any helpful instruction I give her. I am free to say anything I want about my wife due to the fact she never reads my blogs. Not one!  I think she is embarrassed for me and doesn't want to bear witness to my feeble attempt to write.
Back to the story: I finally restrained Calamity Jane long enough to see how her hand was caught and how best to extract it with minimal damage to her hand and my weapon.
I pulled the slide back and freed her hand then she continued her drunken drover dance around the kitchen.  She was not seriously injured but she did have a nice little whelp on the palm of her non-shootin hand.
I just shook my head and said "I'm going to put this thing away now, we've had enough bloodshed for one day. Then I started laughing and kicking myself for not getting my IPhone out and taking a video of the bizarre scene.

Believe it or not, she wants to get her permit and wants a handgun for Christmas. I took her to some gun shops yesterday to look around for something other than jewelry this year.
I am trying my best to steer her towards a revolver and away from automatics. I kept trying to get her interested in a Smith & Wesson .38 Special. She kept looking at the Sig Sauer 380mm P238 Gambler, yeah an automatic and a damned expensive one at that!
That's my Jojo, whether we're jewelry shopping or gun shopping she always gravitates towards the more pricey stuff.
Were going to the gun range this week, I'll keep you posted.
And I promise, if she gets her damn hand caught again, she will have to wait till I get that video.


P.S. at the beginning of the post I referred to myself as a survivor of 3 marriages. The jury is still out as to whether or not I will survive my third marriage.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

OCCUPY EGYPT



Citizen of the World

These three idiots were caught in the Egyptian riots with Molotov cocktails in their backpacks. They admit taking part in the deadly riots but deny knowledge of these items.
After listening to their blathering about their vast life experience and how they feel about their own country I'm positive they were guilty of what they were accused of.
The knucklehead in the middle is an IU student I'm ashamed to say and he had tweeted that he wanted to renounce his US citizenship. When asked by local news media if this were true, he stated that he considered himself a citizen of the world.
It's funny, Luke Gates is so anti-American but look where he came running back to after he pissed himself up in front of the whole world. I would love to tell this dip shit " yes, you can renounce you US citizenship. I will even help you get the paper work together. No don't worry about us, I think we will somehow muddle through without you presence and your infinite wisdom."

I wonder how this child became such experts on world events at such a young age. Who imparted such wisdom on this lad? Was it his dumbass parents? Was it his dumbass college professors? Was it his dumbass friends?
Probably all the above.
He says he wants to go back to Egypt after the elections. Really? I hope you don't mind living under Sharia law. The Muslim Brotherhood has been a big player in all the uprisings of the Arab Spring and is expected to take 40% of the seats in the new government, with the other radical factions taking another 20%.
I hope this educated idiot can do some simple math and figure out how to add 40% + 20%.
Then take that sum and multiply it by all the evil psycho's in the Middle East that want to proselytize by the sword. When you convert to Islam, and you will, at the point of a gun, understand you will not be treated by them as an equal because they are hyper-racists.

Granted, Mubarak was a tyrant but he was the devil we knew. He kept the lid on radical Islam and had some semblance of peaceful relations with Israel.
The devil we don't know in Egypt is behind the curtain pulling the strings of the rioters.

The devil we don't know in Occupy Wall Street has one thing in common with the devil we don't know in Egypt.
They both blame America and the Jews for all their misery.

Monday, November 28, 2011

ATTENTION: THE INTERCHANGE FROM I 65 SOUTH TO I 465 EAST IN INDIANAPOLIS HAS BEEN BOMBED WITH LIVE TURKEYS!


(Film at 11:00)

The other day Rita of An Ordinary Life had a great post from the 80’s sitcom WKRP in Cincinnati. That clip from the Thanksgiving themed episode where Mr. Carlson threw live turkeys out of a helicopter, as a station promotion is one of the all time greats.
I got a good laugh watching that clip several times on her blog and reading all the comments.
So here’s the thing, on my way home from work just less than 30 minutes ago, when I got to that exchange in the interstate, I saw a strange object just ahead sitting partially on the ramp. The synapse were firing in my brain trying to conjure some sort of recognition pattern in the object. I kept staring at the object as I got closer and closer and tried to make some sense out of what looked like a very haggard critter.
I finally got so close my brain could no longer deny what my eyes were clearly seeing.
It was a domestic turkey, not a frozen Butterball or even a thawed Butterball. It was a complete turkey, feet, feathers, neck, head and giblets all intact. And it was alive!
It was just sitting there facing the rush hour traffic as if it were waiting for some good Samaritan to stop and offer it a lift.
I know some may think of Indiana as one big cornfield, but it’s not all farmland out here, there was no farm anywhere close that this rogue bird could have escaped from. Judging from the looks of this guy he had been having a rough time.
Half of his white feathers were missing and he didn’t look too frisky. It looked like he had been in on the losing end of a pecking-party.

Other than someone re-enacting that scene from WKRP, I am hard pressed to offer a theory as to how the hell he got there and what his plan was.
Maybe there was an overage of turkeys and he was one of the lucky ones whose presence was not needed on some family’s table this year
.
Maybe last week, he figured the jig was up and jumped out of a turkey death camp transport truck and he was still on the lam.

It is possible some miscreant purposely ditched the poor bird on the interstate due to his apparent low quality.

However, I don’t believe this last theory has any merit, as there were no signs of fowl play.
Sorry I couldn’t resist.





Saturday, November 26, 2011

THE TURKEY WHITECASTLE


1. Take one warm homemade yeast roll and slice it in half
2. Take a warm juicy slab of turkey a little larger then your roll
3. Slather a healthy portion of Miracle Whip on both sides of the roll
4. Plop the slab of turkey on the bottom of the roll which has now been transformed into a small bun
5. Put the top of the bun on
6.Now the finishing touch, butter the top of the warm bun
7. Enjoy!
Caution! You will need to repeat steps 1 through 7 several times until you start to feel sleepy.

Friday, November 25, 2011

SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY


Have you ever been on the receiving end on one of these phone calls?

Have you ever been on the transmitting end on one of these phone calls?

Some have been on both sides of these phone calls at different stages of their lives.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !

Nothing says Thanksgiving like Rita making her famous chicken and noodles wearing a hat made of tinfoil.

Hope you all had a great day with your family, I did.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A ROAD LESS TRAVELED (nowadays)

I apologize in advance for this lengthy and ponderous blog. If at anytime you get sleepy trying to read it feel free to pull the eject handle and bail out. The main reason I started writing in the first place was the need to vent from time to time. Sometimes I feel the need to vent due to political or current events. Sometimes the venting comes from a more personal occurrence. This is one of those.


The last service call of the day had me heading many miles in the opposite direction from home, oh well, typical horseshit routing system. At least it's familiar territory. I used to have to go home this way when I lived this direction some 25 years ago.
That was another marriage, another me, another lifetime ago.
I looked at the customer's name on the computer and see that it's the same name as the road he lives on. Not really a coincidence out here in farm country. I drove through the little town of Monrovia on my way to the call, I remembered thinking "I'm only 20 minutes from home" when I used hit this town on the trip home way back when.


Back in those days I worked two jobs to save money for a house and kept up the part time construction work up until I started working for my current employer.
We finally saved up $12,500 dollars, a pretty good chunk of change back then. We found a beautiful 10 acres of wooded hills and valleys, selling price, $12,500 dollars.
Wiped the savings out and we got a mortgage for our house in the woods.

I had always wanted a place in the woods; this place had it all, huge mature trees, 80-foot ravines for boundaries, a creek in the back valley and no neighbors.
I put the septic and foundation in myself and got a nice manufactured house. I was in heaven.
I thought back to days of working in the noisy city, coming home and sitting on the swing and the only sound I could hear was the breeze moving from treetop to treetop. The difference in the ambient noise level from downtown Indy to my hideaway in the hills of Morgan County made the long drive home everyday worth every minute and every mile.

I drove through Monrovia and headed west closer to my to my former homestead now inhabited by strangers.
I made a few familiar turns and it was time to divert from the old route I had made a million times back in the old days, onto the road that was named for the farm family who homesteaded this ground.
I pulled into the gravel drive of the customer’s home.
He was an older gentleman who had left the work of feeding a nation to his sons and his son’s sons. I knew this would be a good work environment, a welcome change from working in the big city. Friendly conversation and discussing the area that I used to live in.
Then all too soon the appliance was repaired the conversation had run it's natural course and it was time to close out the last call of the day.

Talking to the old farmer about life way out here in Gods country made me remember my days out here.
Our first year out here, I put a wood stove in and we hardly ever ran the gas furnace. Cutting 14 or 15 ricks of wood every year was alot of work, but I did most of the cutting and splitting in the fall and winter. I used to love working in the woods when it was cold, the wood splits a lot easier too. I remember the first real cold day of each fall when I would start the first fire of the heating season and go outside to get another arm load of wood. The smell of that first fire gave me such a great feeling, winter was coming and back then that was my favorite time of the year. Now I just count down the weeks till it's over.

But back then, wintertime meant walking outside at night and the constellation of Orion seemed to take up the whole sky. If the full moon was at the right angle you could walk through the woods without a flashlight. It was putting up enough Christmas lights to make Clark Griswold green with envy. I put up all those lights to give my kids that Christmas magic feeling you got as a kid, well maybe it was to bring back a little of that magic to their dad too.

The summer nights the kids and me would get a blanket and lie out on the front yard and look at the Milky Way. It was so dark out there you could stare at a single spot and lose count of the stars. You could look for the blurry star that wasn't a star at all. It was an entire galaxy of billions of stars called M31.
Springtime brought out our white Dogwood and Redbud trees. Soon there would be a bounty of fresh morel mushrooms and a hillside of the sweetest little strawberries you ever ate.
I loved seeing my kids romp through the woods all year long. I built a barn and those kids just wanted to live in it. I put a wood stove in it and an old Westinghouse refrigerator and it kept my beer just above freezing temperature.

I remember the day I was standing at the sliding doors of the barn looking out at the house and our woods, watching the kids play in the yard and I was thinking, wow I have everything I ever wanted in the world, a family, nice place to live, two great kids and a steady job. I'm really content and happy in my life, finally!  The next thought that came to my mind was. What's going to come along now and fuck it all up? I didn't know anything for sure right them, but there was a shit storm brewing and it was heading straight for me. In a little more than a year my marriage, my fortress of solitude, my happy family, it would all be gone and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

The transition from that life to the one I am currently enjoying was not an easy one. From being a family man for 17 years then jumping back into the pool at the age of 45 was shock to the system.
I finally settled into middle-aged bachelorhood and was enjoying single life until I met Jojo and she convinced me that I was full of it and I was not as happy as I thought I was and needed to take the plunge one more time. I am happy to say she was right. She restored my faith and trust in the fairer sex.


I pulled out of the retired farmers driveway and headed towards Herbemont Road.  I came to the intersection and stopped much longer than necessary. I looked to the right, the direction I use to go from here to reach the place where I could let out a deep breath, go to the barn and get a cold barn beer, sit on the swing with my kids and talk about their day and mine, for 15 years that was home.

Just up ahead to the south was the section of road that's like a tunnel of trees. Some farmer planted oak trees close together on both sides of the road for about a quarter mile. From the looks of them he must have planted them fifty or sixty years ago. When I first moved out there I was working for IUPUI in Indy. I worked 3:30 till midnight. Sometimes I would save a little gas and ride the bike to work. Coming home I would hit the tree tunnel about 12:45 am. Something about hitting that stretch of road always made me want to crack the pipes open. I loved the look of those big oak trees zooming by and the sound of the exhaust pipes echoing against the them.  When I blasted out the other side of the tree tunnel I knew I would be home in about ten minutes.
Later when I left that job and started running service calls that would end the nice bike rides home.
But the tree tunnel would still mark the beginning of the homestretch even in the service van.



All that used to be just a right turn and a ten-minute drive south.
An old Henley tune started playing, The End Of Innocence, the song I can’t listen to anymore.  Thanks Don, your timing is great.
Actually the music wasn't coming from the radio, it was playing in my head, just like it always does when I think about the day when I had to tell my kids that I had to move out.
The memories of my former life and my kids hung like a cloud over me for a minute, then I turned left and headed north...towards home.


THE END OF INNOCENCE

Monday, November 14, 2011

THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP

Saturdays visit to the Davidson Center For Space Exploration in Huntsville Alabama was very cool.
I have had a fascination with the Saturn V (five) rocket since Neil Armstrong made that first footprint in the moon dust. I was 14 and I just knew that in 10 or 20 years we would have people living up there on the moon.


The Davidson Space Museum is only about 2 years old, I have seen the Saturn V before but never displayed in such a way. In front of the building there is one standing up, all 363 feet. In the building it is displayed on it's side suspended about 20 feet overhead. It is segmented in an exploded view. I couldn't stop looking at this amazing antiquated technology.



 My two level cervical spinal fusion did not serve me well as I strained looking up to take in every detail of the five first stage rocket motors. Then walking down to look at the second stage to see the smaller versions of five rocket motors then farther down to the third stage single engine then to the instrument ring then the service module and command module.
This was no mock up of a rocket, this was the real thing.
My cousins company built most of the instructional displays for the museum
as well at the mockup of the Orion module.


Shaver and Sharon and a guy who used to help light the "candles" and the Orion
  There were volunteers walking around willing to talk to you about the displays and the Saturn V, they were retired engineers who used to work there and they would talk about the space program and what they did there as long as you wanted to stand there and listen. My cousin had long conversations with these guys, his father worked there for many years and it was interesting listening to them trading stories back and forth.
I'm sure his dad would be very proud to know that his son had built most of the displays for this place. My cousin Jim (Shaver as we have always called him) was our own personal tour guide and gave us a lot of interesting background on the displays and the history of the space center. I could have stayed there several more hours, I have always been an aircraft and spacecraft nut. It's a shame that NASA seems to have been co-opted by environmentalists political hacks.


At the far end of the building they had a moon rock on display and the actual Apollo 16 capsule.

The purpose of our trip to Huntsville was to see family, but this was a nice bonus getting to see a real Saturn V up close and personal.



Mom and Aunt Nancy

Many thanks to Aunt Nancy, Shaver, Sharon and Ethan for being such wonderful hosts. You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Sometimes if you’re lucky, you get to have the best of both worlds, family and friends all in one.



Ethan showing off his very cool 57' Studebaker to Mike
 

Sharon showin off her very cool little hotrod
Mom, me, Rita, Shaver, Mike, Helen under the engines of the ultimate hotrod
Love you all !

Friday, November 11, 2011

YOU GO NORTH I'LL GO SOUTH

You learn stuff if you have been married 3 times. One of the things you learn is, it's a he'll of a lot easier to jump off a cliff than go through a damn divorce. The other thing ? Some times it's a good idea to spend the weekend 5 or 6 states apart. 
We didn't intentionally set out to do this, it just worked out that way. She had a good reason to go to Wisconsin with some friends this weekend and mom and my siblings made plans to go to Huntsville Alabama to see my aunt and cousins. 
I have missed the last several trips down here and I am looking forward to seeing them all again. 
I hope I get some time to tour Red Stone Arsenal again while I'm down there.  I was just a kid the last time I got to see that place. My uncle worked there as did Wernher von Braun
At the end of WW2 us and the Russians divvied up all the good German rocket scientists. Judging from both early space programs, they got off to a faster start but we caught up and eventually won the space race. 
Before my uncle Bob started working at Redstone he spent several years working for the Secret Service. He couldn't tell us what he did there, well I guess he could have but he would have had to kill us after. 
Uncle Bob worked his ass off to get through college after serving in the Navy during WW2. He was a door gunner in a Naval aircraft. He had an attack of bleeding ulcers and was put in the hospital, his B24 crew took off without him and crashed due to mechanical problems. The entire crew perished when the plane went down. 
This blog didn't start out thinking about the sacrifices made by all of our vets, but I'm glad it took that turn after all this is Veterans Day. 
Thank you Vets! 
Everyday!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

KNOK KNOK, WHO'S THERE?



My job can be fairly mundane at times, but some of the people you meet going into strangers houses can make for an interesting encounter.
The above picture was one of those interesting encounters. It was a call on a water heater in a part of the inner city where very bad things happen. There are many boarded up houses and various entrepreneurs on street corners plying their trades.

When I called the customer to verify the call, he told me to knock loud on the door he sounded like a young guy who could hear ok, but whatever.
When I arrived and saw the sign I just had to get a picture of it. The customer was a young guy; we went to the basement to look at the water heater. He was a very polite and well-spoken guy, he introduced himself as John, he seemed a little out of place for that neighborhood.

 He was telling me about his background in computer technology and was showing off his incredible memory skills like how he uses a product key for his password and reciting back to me the serial number of the water heater. It was a fairly new unit that had some warranty left on it. I determined it had a leak and would need to be replaced; this was a 3rd party call so I called the manufacturer and gave them the info so he could get a new one. The women on the phone wanted to know he purchase date, the guy didn’t know. That's not unusual, people often forget and don't keep the receipt. Then the women needed to know where it was purchased. I looked at the guy and he gives me this Joe Biden in the headlights look.

It seems that Johnny Mnemonic can remember a string of random numbers but can remember which big box hardware store he got his water heater from less than two years ago.
It was then the guy started acting a little hinky.
He didn't seem so interested in straightening out this whole mix-up and was more interested in shutting down this whole investigation.

Then it hit me, I could tell as soon as I saw the thing it was a self install and I began to suspect the unit had been purchased at "Midnight Appliance Supply".
They don't give receipts there and they sure as hell don't do warranty exchanges.

Monday, November 7, 2011

OCCUPY HOLLYWOOD VERSION TWO

I wrote the first version of this blog over the weekend and apparently I wrote it after one too many Crown and Cokes.
When I went over it this morning I thought damn, I shouldn't drink and blog.  It sounded pretty mean and hateful so I still want to say some things but I need to tone it down a bit. I came off sounding like some of the people I was criticizing.

This whole idea of occupying Hollywood came to me after seeing Kim Kardashian on the news again and valuable minutes of my life were ticking away while the talking heads were discussing her sham marriage coming to a tragic end. I wanted to tell the Occupy Wall Street bunch to take a real stand against the abuse of power and money and fight the real enemy, the rich and famous like Kim Kardashian. While they’re at it throw in the thing they call Skookie. How about all of that bunch on her show and Lindsay Lohan ect. ect. You get the picture.
And the O. W. ers that are Jew-haters would have a field day in Hollywood.
Anyway I will leave it at that, I got out what I wanted to say and I didn't sound like a grouchy, bitter old curmudgeon.
Hmmm, now that I think about it that is what I am. Maybe I better have a couple of drinks before I decide which post I should use.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

RETURN TO MAYBERRY


I had a document to file at the courthouse in Hendricks County, but I didn't want to make the hour plus drive and take the day off work, so I was going to mail it today. When I peaked at my route this morning I saw that I would be going right by the courthouse about lunchtime. Perfect! I could take the document there in person and speed up the process by a couple of days.
Danville is a bustling small town and that is not very common for small towns these days. There are a lot of thriving businesses on the square but my favorite happens to a little diner on the corner called the Mayberry Cafe. It's a beautiful day and things went so smoothly in the courthouse I decided to treat myself to lunch there.
If you liked the old Andy Griffith show the you would like this place.

There is an exact replica of the squad car in front and they have 4 TV's that play the re-runs non-stop. It's an old building fixed up very nice and decorated with memorabilia from the show. The food is great and the cute little waitress could have given Juanita a run for her money.
Something about this place just mellows me out. It's been a long time since I've had lunch here, too long.


I got to watch the end of the one where Barney bought the old junker from the sweet little old lady who turned out to be a crook. She was the same women who played Grandma Walton. Then I got to watch the entire episode where Opie falls for the little girl who won't give him the time of day. Then Opie starts hanging around Thelma Lou and the little girl gets jealous. Then Barney gets pissed because Opie is stealing Thelma Lou away so Barney starts dating the little girl. Ok I made that last part up.
I don't really have a point to make here much like most of the crap I write. I just liked the way things turns out today with the route taking me someplace I really needed to go anyway.
Make that two places I really needed to go.  


 

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

YOU HAD A BAD DAY

Hey Saddam you heard who's coming in today? No, who?
Kaddafi ! Are you screwin with me again Usama? No dude, for reals, he's on his way down. Quick turn on MSMBC check out the replay. Look there he is surrounded by a bunch of loonies getting his ass handed to him. Wow, look like he's crying and begging for his life!  Look Saddam, they capped his ass with his own gold pistol. Oh man that's cold.
Hey he's at the door, buzz him in.
Naa let's mess with him first, give him the old Cheech and Chong routine.
Who is it?
Muammar!
Muammar's not here.
No this is Muammar!
Muammar?
Yes damn it, it's Muammar let me in!
Muammar's not here!
Saddam is that you, you jackass? Let me in, I'm not playin, I got one badass headache.
Bahahaha ok you big cry baby, I'll buzz you in.
Come on in were just messin with you..... Oh dude! You look even worse in person than on YouTube.
They put me on YouTube? Yep! How many hits have I got so far? Well including the hits you took from the rebels I'd say about 10 mil, Bahahahah! Real funny Usama, your a regular wise ass you know that? Sorry dude but you pitched that one under-handed to me, I had to swing on it har har.
Man your head looks bad Muammar, you want an ice pack? My head? Apparently you haven’t looked in a mirror lately have you Usama? And hey, nice necktie Saddam.
At least I went down fighting.
Bahhahaha yeah right, you were fighting all right, fighting back tears! Me and Usama saw you on MSNBC crying like a little bitch!
Hey you got a lot of room to talk Saddam, I saw them pull you outta your little bunker lookin like ZZ Top
and you Osama, nice move trying to use your old lady as a human shield!
Ok ok, cool your jets dude, me and Saddam we're just breaking your balls.
Ok it's all good, so fill me in on the accommodations here, how's the action around here? When do I get my 72 virgins?  Uhh ..... virgins? I'm afraid I have some bad news Muammar. There was a little miscommunication concerning that. It was all bullshit, the mullahs made it all up, you know, a morale booster for the suicide bombers.
Damn!, well what's the deal with this place? I thought Heaven would be a lot nicer, this place looks like hell.
Yeah uh Muammar we need to talk about that, you better sit down for this one.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION


Well, you know
We all want to change the world
*
You tell me that it's evolution


Well, you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction


Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan


Occupy Wallstreet Plan
1. Uhhh, we want more free stuff:
B. Uhhh, we want to not have to work to live:
3. Uhhh, we want the Jews to quit being bankers and stuff:
4. I mean D. Uhhh, we want to not have to pay back our loans that we are not paying back anyway:
A. Uhhhh,:

You ask me for a contribution
We're doing what we can
But when you want money
for people with minds that hate

All I can tell is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
Ah

ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...

You say you'll change the constitution


Well, you know
We all want to change your head


You tell me it's the institution

Well, you know
You better free you mind instead


But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
Che Guevara


You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be all right
all right, all right
all right, all right, all right
O.W.ers brainpower

                                                        ALRIGHT!

For a complete breakdown of why the O.W.ers are rioting click on this link to Pitchpulls blog. He posted a clip of the smartest person in the movement and this woman sums it all up in a "nut"shell.