BILLION DOLLAR BABY

I hear your having trouble with your baby. It started when you gave your baby a piece of candy to stop it from crying, and it worked! At least for a while, but you figured out all you had to do was give the baby a second piece of candy and it worked again. What do you know; you were really on to something. The next time it took a third piece, then another and another until you had to give your baby candy all day long to keep it happy.

Then several years later, one day you looked at your baby and said “damn! I got one fat- assed baby here. My precious little baby has turned into Baby Huey and I can’t afford all this candy any more, now what do I do? So you decide to cut your baby back to one piece of candy a day. "I know I can afford that and my baby will be healthy again" you say. What happens when for the baby’s own good you withhold all that extra candy? Your baby goes all ape shit on you.

It swears it will never vote for you and will support your opponent who will give it extra candy for the vote.

It stops working, which is kinda funny cause babies don’t really work very hard anyway, but then your baby starts walking around your house with picket signs.

The baby writes some mean stuff on those signs calling you Hitler, Mussolini, and Mubarak and saying you hate babies and such. Then your baby really starts misbehaving and causes all kinds of ruckus in the State House by interfering with the grownups business.

 Then some outsider baby sticks their big nose where it doesn’t belong; the biggest, fattest, most spoiled baby on the block. The” Commander In Pampers’! This baby believes all the babies should get all the candy they want and never have to work very hard for it. The Commander in Pampers expects YOU to pay for it. Getting all the spoiled babies in the neighborhood free candy, is how the Commander got elected in the first place.

 Now you’re in a real pickle; it would have been such a simple thing in the beginning when your baby first started to cry; for the good of the baby and all the rest of us you should have just let your baby cry for a little bit. When it saw you weren’t going to give in, it would have stopped, but once you gave in and gave it all that extra candy it was impossible to reason with the greedy little baby.

How did you get yourself into this mess?

You just wanted the baby to stop crying.

You just wanted the baby to love you.

You just wanted the baby to keep on voting for you.

Your baby.

Your billion dollar baby.