ONCE BITTEN TWICE SHY

Make that seventh biting and way past shy now.
 I had been bitten 6 times by dogs, 5 times it was on the job.  The bites all occurred on the property where the dog lived.  Sunday we were down at our lake property where we would  be spending the whole week.  


My stepson brought his almost 2 year old German Shepard.  My almost 20 years of working in other peoples homes has pretty much turned me off from wanting pets these days. I know this opinion has me at odds with most other people but let me take a bite out of you 5 or 6 times and see how long you want to keep me around.  Anyway I was fine with the dog being here I just tried to keep a little distance and hope he didn't want to shove his snout up my ass as dogs are want to do.
  We had all been having a great time and me and the dog were getting on fine, sans nose up the arse for the whole day.  Late in the day the dog was lying on the ground in front of our fishing shed/cabin. I walked by him unaccosted to get to the cooler where the Rocky Mountain goodness is kept, I walked out of the shed and all hell broke loose.


  The 85 pound German Shepard barked and leaped at me with the wailing and gnashing of teeth. I was wailing and the dog was the one doing all the gnashing.  He nailed me on the thigh and took me down like a (I need a good simile here, feel free to add your own).  He took me downtown and continued to try and gnaw on my thigh. I had a beer in my good hand and my right shoulder is still in recovery mode from rotator cuff surgery  With both hands unavailable,  I was defenseless. Finally I was rescued by my stepson, I laid on the ground covered in dirt and let out a big "W T F ! ? ! ????" I was still in my swimming trunks which didn't offer much in the way of protection, but I still lucked out and managed to only get a pretty nasty bruise from the dogs teeth.  No punctures and luckily I fell on my good shoulder  [well comparatively good] and spared my rotator cuff repair.


  The dog was taken to time out and I resisted the tremendous urge to walk back in the shed and trade my beer in for my 9mm or my 38special. So I jumped in the lake to wash the dirt off and to cool off.  Jojo walked down to the dock to check on me, I said "and people wonder why I don't love their fuckin pets!" So now the count is up to 7. I have been bitten worse, much worse. One of the bites I received on the job was by a German Shepard that would have made 2 of this dog. And he got me good, that dog got me in the same place and with one bite he put 8 deep punctures wounds and a bruise about 7 inches in diameter on my thigh.  But this time was the first time I have been chomped on my own land.  I thought back to the bites I got while at work and everyone of those dog owners told me that I was the first person that the dog has ever bitten, like I brought it on myself.  And even if a dog doesn't bite you they can still be a pain in the ass.  I can't tell you haw many customers have told me "oh he won't bother you he just like to jump on people, or he just want to smell you".  Ok what qualifies as bothering me then? Having your dog hump my leg, or shove his nose up my ass?
  I was laying in some women's floor trying to fix her refrigerator with her big dumbass dog jumping all over me and trying to date me. This went on for a good while with the lady watching me and I kept expecting her to deal with her damned dog, she didn't  do a thing. I ask her if she could please put the dog up as it was making it very difficult to finish the repair.  The lady took the dog away and she was pissed that I refused to mate with her mutt. She acted like I was the rude one.  A had another customer whose dog bit HER while I was there. It was a smaller breed not too sure what kind. It was kind of a mutty poodle looking thing.  I arrive on the call and this older lady was holding a very spastic mutt in her arms doing everything she can to keep the dog from jumping out of her arms.  She shows me to the kitchen where I would be repairing her refrigerator. The fricking dog is by this time going postal and the old lady throws the damned thing out the back door.
 About 2 seconds later Cujo jumps through the screen of the kitchen window and heads for the repairman.  I'm looking through my bag of tricks to see what tool might serve as an instrument of horror for a dog. I do a quick inventory of my tool bag, lets see, multimeter? nix, sling psychrometer? nix, nut driver set? nix, razor knife? bingo!   Before I could bring any weapon to bear, the old lady had deftly corralled the beast.  Cujo hellbent on biting someone turned on the hand that feeds it and promptly chomped the old lady's hand.  Now I'm not talking about a nip, or even a little love nibble.  I'm talking full on gator chomp I'm going to the ER later to tend to this wound kind of bite. She put Cujo in the physc ward of the house and I finished the repair glad she got nailed and not me.
 Well , it's her damned dog!  A few months later I got a furnace call at the same house. Oh boy, here we go! I get to the door and sure enough the old lady greets me holding Cujo. The dog is going spastic again. The old lady doesn't remember I'm the same tech that watched her dog make a meal out of her hand just a few short months ago.  "Oh don't worry come on in, he doesn't bite." That's when I lost my professionalism and said, "Bullshit lady, last time I was here he bit you!" "Oh I mean he doesn't bite other people,  he just bites me"  {My eyes roll to the back of my head}.  "Ok ma'am, I will be in to fix your furnace just as soon as you put Cujo in lockdown".
 My stepson knew it was was past time to do something with his overly aggressive dog. So the day after he bit me, he took him to a local vet down here and had his nuts chopped off. The dogs nuts that is.  They stopped by here on their way to take the dog back home. With the dog securely locked in the car I couldn't resist a smile and told the dog "see that's how it works when your on my territory,  you bite this old dog and you lose your balls" "grrrrrr ruff ruff" was his reply.


  Seems like someone lost his sense of humor along with his nuts. Heh heh heh.


  And it's not just dogs that have attacked me. When I lived out in the country I drove down the road a piece to talk with a buddy, I was there long enough for it to turn from dusk to pitch dark. I was heading back home and his stupid cat had become a stowaway in the back seat unbeknownst to me.
  Well the cat got it in its head that he was being kidnapped or catniped or what ever and the little bastard leaped onto my shoulder and started wailing on my head and face with its claws. I'm trying to keep the car on the road and fight off whatever the hell was trying to scratch my eyeballs out.  I had no idea what had ahold of me and I had no idea how it happen to be in my car and I had no idea why the hell this thing was so pissed off at me.  I finally grabbed the thing by one of its 30 legs and flung the demon creature out the window and let out a big WTFJH ? ! ? ! ?       WTFWT ? ! ? ! ? I understand how attached people get to their pets, I have had pets years ago and grew up with cats and dogs and I got very attached to some of those animals.  It's just that I'm to a point now with getting accosted and bit over the years, I just don't want to deal with it anymore.


  Does that make me a bad guy? The answer is yes, to many cat and dog lovers I am a bad guy. But hey this is a free country, well it used to be.  I'm not the Obama administration though, I don't want the Government to interfere with your right to have pets just because I'm over the pet thing. I just don't want to be bit anymore, or nose-raped, or thigh-raped by any dog.  I'm up to 7 now on the bite count and enough is enough. I'm done, I'm over it, I don't  want any of it any more, please! Dog and cat lovers of the world, tell you pets to stop biting me, I mean them no harm. I don't deserve this treatment. I have never bit any of them......... Uhhhhh wait a minute.  Cue the wavy scene breakup and harp music indicating a memory flashback.
  Ok there was a reported incident some 55 years ago when I was still a crawler.  I don't remember the event but it was related to me over the years that way back when, I was watching a bug crawl on the floor, well they didn't have electronic baby toys back then. Anyway as I sat there fixated on this amazing bug our dog casually comes by and slurps up the bug. Then I did what comes naturally when a baby has its toy taken away. I bit the dog.  If this incident actually occurred then I will admit maybe I over-reacted a little and I apologize to the long gone dog.
 Hell I apologize to all dogkind!
 Could I be a victim of some type of dog karma?


 Damn, I never thought of that.