WHEN LEFT IS RIGHT, RIGHT IS WRONG, AND YES MEANS YES

I’m 6 days out from the [operation] and for the last week my pain has been managed by the Codone brothers, Oxy and Hydro. I have tried to sit down and write a blog or two, but everything I wrote came out like a Charlie Sheen narrative.

In the past 14 months I have had nurses write WRONG on my left knee, write RIGHT on my right knee; write WRONG on the on my right shoulder, write RIGHT on my left shoulder; write YES on the front of my neck and left the back of my neck blank.

They do this for a reason.

They do this for a very good reason.

1995 a Tampa surgeon amputated the wrong leg on a patient, although it was a series of mistakes made by a many of the hospital staff, it was on the doctor’s lap where the buck ultimately stopped.

2009 A patient noticed a problem when he awoke from knee surgery and saw the bandages were on the wrong leg. Sure enough the doctor had removed some cartilage from the wrong knee. The patient went back to the O.R. and had the correct knee repaired and left the hospital on two hobbled up legs.

There are hundreds of examples of right side, wrong side surgeries on all parts of the human body, but none so sad as the story about a woman who was pregnant with twins, one with a birth defect and the other was healthy and deemed fit to be born in a less then perfect world.

You probably can guess where this is heading. The abortionist slaughtered the healthy unborn baby. After discovering the mistake, the abortionist felt really bad about it. Pretty sure he got over it real fast. You can’t kill babies for a living if have any sort of soft spot in your heart.

So here it is Friday morning already and I’m getting prepped for another round with Edward Sissorshands. This one is different than the last three, this is the one surgery I really tried to avoid. The operation isn’t scheduled till 8:00 am, but I have to be there at 6:00, I know they need time to prep but 2 hours is a long time to lie there and think about what they are getting ready to do to me. At some point a nurse comes and asks me to tell her what I think I am here to have done. I’m thinking “shit, don’t you guys have a game plan yet?” I give her my take on the plan and she asks me if the doctor would be going in the front of my neck to do the spinal fusion? What, do I get a vote here?

I made a slashing sign to the front of my neck and she gets out the magic marker and writes, “yes” on my neck. A little while later the doctor comes in and puts his initials by the yes mark. Hmmmmm, we all on the same page here doc?

Finally the nurse comes in and says it’s time to go, I kiss my wife goodbye, hug my family and ask the nurse if I can take one final wiz.

As the nurse pushes my bed down the green mile I look up at the wall to see what time it is, it’s almost 8 o’clock.

Random thoughts keep popping up in my brain like, why do they call it o’clock? Why not just say, it’s almost 8 clock? Who came up with the O, was time invented by the Irish?

She wheels me into the O.R. and I think, man there are a lot of people in here. My eyes scan all the tables in the room and they are packed with scalpels, needles, tubes, CHISELS, HAMMERLIKETHINGS. BLACK AND DECKER CORDLESS DRILLS.

The O.R. looked like a cross between a Church Brothers Collision center and A Little Shop of Horrors.

In the center of the room there was even something that looked like a huge C-clamp, they told me it was a type of x-ray.

I see millions of dollars worth of medical equipment and I think my life could hinge on a nurse with a 69-cent magic marker.

They slide me over to the operating table and slide out arm extensions on each side and strap my arms down to them, they put a strap around my waist and secure me to the table and my feet are strapped down also and I think “shit, it looks like I’m on a Lethal Injection table!”

I start thinking about Timothy Mcvay and wonder did they use a magic marker on him too?

Did they write the words “terminate with extreme prejudice” on his arm? Or did they just draw a picture of the Fonz with his thumb pointing straight down with him saying “woe”.

All the people in the room are making jokes trying to loosen me up, a nurse is trying to adjust the strap on my left arm and she tells me put my hand where it’s most comfortable, my hand is almost touching her bosom, everybody in the O.R. laughed and started making cracks about that. Normally I would rely on my rapier like wit and join in the fray with a quick comeback, I’m thinking boobs, hand, comfortable,  uuhhhhhhh damn, I got nothing.

My sense of humor has abandoned me just when I could have used a good chuckle.

The anesthesiologist injects his liquid pixie dust in my .I V. as I look at the surgeon who is about to go all O.J. on my neck, I am glad as hell the he is wearing a surgeons cap and not a turbin.

 I feel the cold travel up the vein my arm and the scene starts to pixilate like Dish TV just before a rainstorm and we fade to black.

While I slumber 

Two hours pass by in the O.R., but it’s only been a few seconds by my clock and I’m back with the living.

Been feeling pretty rough, but the good doctor sent me home with some serious narcotics that helps take the edge off, I just don’t want to end up on the next season of Intervention. Little by little I’m getting back to normal, kind of weirds me out the fact that I have some dead guys bones in my neck where the 2 discs used to be. Well I don’t think he will miss them and maybe if I get caught turning my head and looking where I’m not supposed to be looking, I can blame the whole thing on my bone donor.

SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE

Going off the grid for a little while till I can move my neck enough to see the keyboard.

WHAT WAS SHE THINKING ?

I looked and looked at this picture and replayed those few precious seconds after the pictures were taken and before I took the first step down that aisle.

We were instructed to stop for pictures at the end of the little ramp leading to the walk that would turn my little girl into a grown women. My feet just froze there for a period of time that is not measured in seconds, but in memories. I didn’t have any idea that I was delaying the proceedings until I felt a slight tug on my left arm

Just a few minutes before this picture was taken, the bride to be was having problems convincing the youngest member of the wedding party (the ring bearer) to walk down the aisle with the lovely little flower girl. Now she was having trouble with the oldest member of the wedding party trying to convince him to put one foot in front of the other.

When I first saw this picture, I thought “awww she is looking up adoringly up at her father. Now that I have time to replay this scene in my mine, I vaguely remember Coley gently pulling on my arm and making some slight noise that I now interpret as ‘daddy it’s time to go”.

She didn’t express that in words, but I think I felt it.

IF YOU WANT TO BE A RAPIST, GO TO UTAH

A convicted sex offender facing nearly two dozen charges of child sex abuse may be soon be set free because doctors says he’s no danger to society even though he’s not mentally competent for trial.

Lonnie Hyrum Johnson was charged in 2007 in Utah with rape, sodomy and aggravated sexual abuse of a child for alleged acts with his niece and her step-cousin between 2001 and 2006.

Each charge is a first-degree felony. If convicted at a trial, the 38-year-old Johnson would face life sentences for every count. Instead, it appears he will be freed sometime soon after a hearing Thursday afternoon.

Deemed incompetent for trial by a judge in 2008, Johnson has been institutionalized at Utah State Hospital in Provo, about 45 miles north of Salt Lake City, where doctors have been working to restore his mental capacity.

But several weeks ago, the judge found that he likely would not be made competent to face the charges, and doctors believe he wouldn’t be a danger to society if freed.

"That magic language effectively kills our criminal case," said Deputy Utah County Attorney Craig Johnson.

Johnson sought to have the defendant civilly committed, but doctors say he doesn’t meet the necessary legal standard.

Under Utah law, a defendant is incompetent to stand trial if he suffers from mental illness, cannot understand the charges against him or is unable to participate in his own defense. For a civil commitment, a doctor must find that a person’s mental illness makes them a danger to himself or others. Johnson, who suffers from a cognitive disorder, falls into a gap somewhere in between.

Wow, that's some damn fine lawyerin'.
What amazes me is how fast this guy got all cured of his pedophile proclivities; I mean here this perv is so mentally messed up that a judge in good standing in the state of Utah declared this rapist/child molester incompetent to stand trial. In just two years the good mind altering doctors who were charged with the well being of this poor incompetent fellow have made him completely safe to be around your children.

Hmmm, let see, I have an idea that may be helpful to the good people of Utah.

Your Honor and Doctor, since you are so sure that Hyrum is too sick to go to trial for raping little girls and he is so mentally stable that he is no harm to society, lets have the you guys take turns and bring Uncle Hyrum into your homes and have him baby sit your children, or grandchildren.

I mean this is a win win ! You guys get some free babysitting and Uncle Hyrum will be off the streets, how can you go wrong?

Everyone knows that the recidivism rate for pedophilia and rapist is almost non-existent and we know that some of you judges and mental health professionals do everything you can to let the dregs of society loose and you guys are not hypocrites, right? So I know that you guys will jump at the chance to show the rest of us how sure you are of your decisions in this matter.

Now I don’t want you to worry about the fact that Uncle Hyrum was convicted in 2006 of raping a teenager and only served a year for that crime. The judges and doctors in that case probably were not near as smart as you guys.

Uhhhh, why are you guys looking down at the floor stuttering and stammering?

You are sure Uncle Hyrum is harmless now, right?

I mean you wouldn’t turn some animal loose on OUR children would you?

You were so reassuring when you spoke on this from the bench and the doctors office,  but now all I hear is mumbling from you guys when the people of Utah ask you to put your money where your mouth is and take Uncle Hyrum into YOUR HOMES!

Oh I see, it’s ok for Uncle Hyrum to be around our children, but you would rather have Maryfucking Poppins take care of your special ones.

I guess when you cannot be sued for malpractice you can give the benefit of the doubt to rapist, murderers and child molesters and just flip a coin or enny meany miny moe and take a chance with someone else’s child.

I know I have been all sunshine and roses for the last week because it’s hard to be a big meanie when your little girl gets married, but that was last week.

This week it’s back to the dark side.

That is if I can quit looking at wedding pictures and videos.

YESTERDAY PART TWO

It was an amazing weekend. My little girl looked beautiful in her dress and her husband (it’s going to take awhile to get used to saying that) made the perfect looking couple. The wedding was flawless and the reception was lots of fun.

I managed to walk my daughter down the aisle and stay high and dry, but once the ceremony got started the waterfalls began and didn’t stop until sometime after the father/daughter dance.

When the reception began, the Bride and Groom surprised everyone with a wardrobe change.

During the Wedding ceremony they wore the traditional white wedding gown and tux, but when they came to the reception hall, they looked like this.

You could hear a collective gasp, when they entered the room in Vietnamese styled clothes. It was a big hit with everybody and they both looked amazing!

I take much solace in the fact that she is married to a fine young man that I am very proud to call “son”.

When it was over, I wanted to begin the whole day over again.

It’s strange, my daughter moved out a few years ago so I was used to not seeing her all the time, but today the house seems so empty and I miss my little girl.

QUICK JOJO GET ME A XANAX !

YESTERDAY

Yesterday, my little girl was born, my son is about four now and I was so happy to have a son and a daughter. My life is now complete.

Yesterday, I woke up late, glad I work the 2^nd shift so I could watch my little girl everyday till her mother gets off work at noon. It’s 11:00 am and she is not making a peep, so I go to her room to check on her. Every morning she is standing in her crib, smiling at the morning sunlight that is all around her. I say to her ”morning Coley, are you ready for some breakfast?”. Her smile widens, so does my soul. My little girls affection for sleeping in late everyday, does her daddy’s 2^nd shift heart proud.

Yesterday, I was driving down the road and my little girl, for no particular reason says,”

daddy this is how a frog doo’s. I took my eyes off the road briefly and looked over at her and my little girl was somehow making the skin between her bottom lip and her chin move in and out, doing a perfect imitation of a frog doing what frogs doo's with their throats.

I did my best not to run off the road while laughing myself to tears. My little girls is just a couple of years old and I thought, wow she is so smart!

Yesterday, I walked around the corner of the dressing room and was surprised to see my little girl with her mother’s bright red lipstick going around and around her mouth till she looked like Ronald Macdonald. I said emphatically “ Nicole!”.  She looked up at me and with her bright red lipsticked smile about the size of a donut; she puckered her lips and said, "am I so pretty?”. I tried to act mad at her for getting into the forbidden makeup drawer, I don’t think I pulled it off.

  

Yesterday, the whole family was at Spring Mill Park, I took a picture of my little girl sitting in the trunk of our car using her little baby potty. I thought some day when she grows up and her husband sees this picture she will want to kill me. Later that day, we were sitting around the picnic tables having lunch, my little girl was sitting on the ground. My sisters were laughing because my little girl had a wooly worm crawling up her arm. She didn’t scream in terror as they expected, instead she picked the wooly worm off her arm and said “aww he’s so cute", and gave it a kiss. Then my sisters were the ones who were screaming, with laughter. I marveled at this act of bravery, wondering how my little girl could kiss a wooly worm, but go screaming across the house looking for me to save her if a spider gets within a hundred feet.

Yesterday, my little girl brought to me one of our Time Life books on the solar system and said “daddy, lets talk about the Earff”. I had been spending time with the kids reading out of this book and showing them the pictures of all the planets, they were especially interested in the planet “Earff”. I was happy to get down on the floor again with the book, globe of the Earff and a shadeless lamp (the Sun) and show them how it all works one more time.

  

Yesterday, my little girl came to me and said “daddy I have a splinter in my finger, can you get it out?” I took her tiny hand in mine and looked for the splinter and wondered, why they were making splinters so small these days. I had to get a magnifying glass to find it and the surgery was very difficult. I thought they need to make eyeglasses with magnifying glasses built in. I found out shortly there after that they actually do make glasses like that and I got my first pair of bifocals.

Yesterday, we were at my niece’s wedding and my little girl was the flower girl. She looked so beautiful in her dress. During the reception, she wanted to dance with her daddy when they played her favorite song “Butterfly Kisses”.

While we were dancing, I looked down and saw tears streaming down her face. Fortunately for me, I possess a heart of stone and was able to fend off this onslaught of emotion. There was a lot smoke in the reception hall and some of my family mistakenly thought I was tearing up. How ridiculous.

  

Yesterday, my little girl was on her deathbed until the school bus was out of sight. With the bus safely down the road she suddenly sprang back to life. I asked her what she attributed her miraculous recovery to. She assured me that it was nothing to be concerned about, she just had a near fatal case of the “comes and the goes”. 

  

Yesterday, I watched my little girl drive away from my house in her first car that she paid for all by herself. I was so proud of her, but so sad to think that she may actually be growing up after I told her time and time again not to do that.

  

Yesterday, I put my hand on my little girls head, I pushed down and told her to stop growing, I told her I wanted her to always be my little girl. She pushed my hand away and said "no daddy, I have to grow up!"

  

Today, my little girl disobeyed her daddy and grew up,

Tomorrow I will walk my little girl down the aisle and give her hand in marriage to a wonderful young man who I know will make her happy for the rest of her life.

Tomorrow I hope the reception hall is not too smokey again.

And I hope my little girl doesn’t ask her daddy to dance while they play Butterfly Kisses.